seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
