she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
