you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
