Your face is a jimmy john
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
