I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
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