I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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