before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Ketchup is God's man juice
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
