What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
