i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
