Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
