Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
