I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
