Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
