The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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