I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
