how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
