i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
