the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
