Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
