Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
