and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
