I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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