Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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