I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
