Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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