discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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