I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
well you can't waste a boner
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
