Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
