I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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