is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
