I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
