I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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