Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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