Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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