I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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