Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
