He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
