I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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