He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
