I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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