you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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