I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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