My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
