Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
