Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
