Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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