My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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