I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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