it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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