Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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