A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
