four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
