I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
