i permit you to call me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
