im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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