I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
