Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
