she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
