Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
